If you read my previous post then you already know I am pulling you with me on this journey of self re-discovery. Ahead of my upcoming 30th birthday I had a breakdown moment when I realized that the list I had made for myself so many years ago had no check marks on it. When I was younger, in middle and high school, one word could always be used to describe me- ambitious. I was always focusing on how something looked for future me, I never even got a detention so that one day I could be president and they would have no mud to sling at me! That logic and focused ambition drove me to have some lofty goals and work really hard to make them reality.
I made a list, a list of what I wanted my life to look like 10-15 years after high school. Now coming up on my 30th birthday I realized that I have not accomplished any of those goals! That was a real harsh reality moment for me to come to terms with. I spent months brooding silently with myself before even bringing this up to the people around me who I love and rely on. It took a lot of introspection to appreciate that while I may be letting my younger self down in so many ways, I have achieved things I never would have thought I was capable of previously.
I am going to include a preview of my younger self’s list of ambitions and goals here and then revisit what I have managed to achieve and realize instead.
- Graduate law school from an Ivy League (obvs)
- Practice divorce or corporate attorney law and pro bono in family court for abused children
- Have a farm or rescue animals that need attention
- Be a politician preparing for a senatorial and presidential campaign
- Have an Aston Martin, a never ending supply of designer shoes and bags, and a really really nice brownstone in New York (neighbors with the Olsens a plus)
- Have my bachelors in psychology and therapy practice
These are all goals that I still want for myself to some degree, not to say they are all entirely unattainable at this point in my life several are highly unlikely. This has caused me to realize that what I really miss is that girl. The one who was so ambitious and really believed she could change the world and do anything if she just worked hard enough. I did not arrive at this conclusion quickly, even though it seems so obvious now. I spent hours feeling this deep spinning in my soul. I did not feel a sense of personal purpose anymore. Everything I have done since I left high school has been to support my family, once you have kids all of your priorities change and life just starts to happen quickly.
I had to really look inward and begin changing my own way of looking at my life and myself. I was not happy on the inside, I did not feel that deep fulfillment like I was doing what I was meant to be doing, I have always thought it was just because I put my own dreams on the back burner to support my family, but now I am not so sure. Starting this blog is me rediscovering that girl, rediscovering the person who finds so much joy in goals and ambitions. So let me introduce myself and give my readers a bit of my bio so to speak!
My name is Rachel, I currently live in Austin and have spent most of my life here minus about 8 years. I have 2 amazing daughters and am married to the most amazing woman. I work at a great company now and have the time to invest in myself again. I have 2 of the fluffiest demons AKA cats and they love to pose for instagram and destory my belongings. I loved writing when I was younger and I was the kid who had a Xanga and a LiveJournal for when I wasn’t on AIM. I am getting back into writing as a release for myself and hopefully walking through this journey will help a few readers as well. Stay tuned as I will begin posting uploads twice a week now and each post will get deeper into my head and my life (scary!).